“What makes one brave?”
they asked
and she said…
“Doing it even though you are afraid is what makes you brave”
Vulnerability can be seen in many lights. A strength. A weakness. An opportunity to grow.
Allowing myself to be vulnerable has proved to be more positive than negative in my life. Sure, I’ve been burned from being vulnerable. Hurt. Broken. Humbled. But each time, I learn something new about myself. Each time I get back up, I know what NOT to do the next time. Each time I allow myself to be vulnerable I see a strength that sometimes I tend to forget.
This week we were asked to do self portraits. Now, if you know me at all, you will know you can count on one hand the amount of times I have been in front of a camera. My safe place is behind a camera. I have been known to have panic attacks when it comes time for head shots. It has been 7 years since we have had our family portraits taken! I will always volunteer to be behind the scenes instead of in front. So again, you can imagine the fear that took over when this task was assigned.
This past Saturday, we finally had our family portraits taken…like I said, after 7 long years! My 2 year old son is now 9 and no longer has those golden curly locks. My 6 year old daughter is a teen, growing every day in the beauty she is learning to live in. And my 9 year old daughter is a beautiful 16 year old, finishing up her high school years and already planning her college career. What can I say….it was time. (More about this in another blog.)
I had my hair and make up artist come over and do my make up. Let’s be real, there wasn’t a whole lot she could do with my hair. It has a mind of it’s own, and is more temperamental than a teenage girl! (Trust me, I have 2 of them!) As usual, Sheena worked her magic and made me look decent for being almost 40! After our family session, I decided to take advantage of being all gussied up, and try to take some self portraits. Why not? After all, it isn’t every day I have sexy lashes on.
I set up my camera on my ironing board, in my bedroom, with the door locked. I opened the blinds and set the self timer.
Click…blurry…good. You can see it’s me. It’s still a self portrait.
Click…ok, not too bad. Click…a little less blur but don’t like looking directly into the camera. Maybe a profile with my hair covering my face? Click…
And that is when it happened. Fear. Inadequacy. The thoughts in my head that I was not enough. Not pretty enough. Good enough. Talented enough.
Then I remembered the words from one of my favorite authors…”You can’t get to courage without walking through vulnerability.” – Brene Brown.
It was at this moment I realized I either push through or give up.
I tried one more time to see if I could be brave enough to face my fear head on. To allow myself to be vulnerable and look straight into the camera. To not hide behind the blur or my hair….
Click…
